Posing As A Beggar

I'm HOME!!!!

Oh my goodness it's so good to be back and finally see my little baby Telemachus (well, he's 20 now, but still) and my darling wife Penelope.

It's funny though, I'm still posing as a beggar at the moment so they don't know I'm here yet.

There are so many suitors here trying to get my Penelope to marry them. She's the cleverest woman in the world though, she kept them stalled for ages by saying that she couldn't get married until she'd finished her weaving, but then every night she'd undo it and start all over again.

I feel so fortunate that I have a wife as good as she - I just hope she doesn't find out about any of the little flings that I had...

Unfortunately the suitors have discovered what she was doing. But she has another plan! She says that whoever can shoot my bow will get to marry her. That's ridiculous because I'm the only one with the strength and skill to use my own bow! It works out quite well though, because that's when I plan to reveal myself. And kill all the suitors, which Penelope won't like, but they deserve it!

This will probably be my last blog now that I'm home. Hope you all enjoyed reading about my grand voyage home!

(I bet someone will tell it in an epic tale someday. Maybe they'll even name it after me!)

--Odysseus

Phaeacia, and Coming Home

Here I am in Phaeacia with Alcinous, the king of these people.

I was minding my own business, sailing away from Ogygia (it took so long to say goodbye to Calypso, I think she'll really miss me; I just miss my wife and son) and all of a sudden I was shipwrecked again!

I'm so angry at Poseidon. He's a god, and maybe I was a little cruel to his son Polyphemos, but that's really no excuse for this behaviour!

Anyway, I should stop saying that because I'd like to make it home safely this time.

I told the Phaeacians who I am. They're suitably impressed, and were very happy to hear all the stories that I had to tell. I must admit, I had to keep checking back on this blog, because seven years is a really long time to remember everything that I did!

Something tells me that I might actually get home this time. I have a really good feeling about the journey. I have a cool plan, too, to disguise myself as a beggar or something when I get home to see what's been going on in my home.

Got to go now, about to sail home to Ithica!!

--Odysseus

7 Years With Calypso

Yes, it has been 7 years since I last blogged.

I've been on Ogygia - hey, I think I guessed that, didn't I? - anyway, I've been here on this island for that whole time.

It's been a pretty bad 7 years really.

I met up with Atlas' daughter, Calypso. She's a nymph!

Hmm, you'd think that after seven years there would be a lot to say, but basically I really have just spent the last 7/10 of a decade hanging out on Ogygia!

Oh, and Calypso forced me to be her immortal husband and has been keeping me imprisoned all these years.

I really am glad that Penelope doesn't read this blog!

Anyway, I'll keep blogging more often now.

--Odysseus

Sirens, Scylla & Charybdis and Hyperion’s Cattle

This voyage SUCKS.

I mean, I know Circe warned us about all the horrible things we would encounter on the way home, but they really were... horrible!!

The first thing we had to deal with was the Sirens. Circe told me that I alone was to hear the song, so my crew kindly bound me to the mast with galling ropes. I melted some wax in my hands and sealed all my comrades' ears in turn.

When our vessel sailed close to them, they raised their voices in high clear notes. When they sang with their lovely voices I found that my hear was eager to listen still! My crew were very good and bound me with yet more ropes, and didn't rescue and unbind me until the music and words could be heard no more.

After we had passed by the Sirens, our next problem was with Scylla and Charybdis.

Charybdis is a huge whirlpool. In a hideous fashion she sucks the salt water in and spews it forth again. We had been warned by Circe to stay away from Charybdis and we all looked her way with the fear of death upon us. At that moment, Scylla appeared! She is a hideous monster, and she snatched up from inside my ship the six of my crew who were strongest of arm and sturdiest. They called to me, but Circe had told us not to fight the monster. There was nothing I could do.

Many pitiful things have met my eyes in my toilings and searching though the seapaths, but this was most pitiful of all.

Our next problem is one which I blame solely on my crew, for they did not heed the warnings I gave them. Circe had been very clear: do not eat the cattle of the sun-god Hyperion. But they did exactly what I told them not to! They slew the cattle in which Hyperion always took delight! The sun-god was inflamed with anger, and prayed to Zeus for vengeance. And Zeus agreed that he would strike our ship with his white-hot thunderbolt and shatter and shiver it in mid-ocean.

A south wind blew us back towards Charybdis, and our ship was wrecked and swallowed by the whirlpool. When she finally regurgitated the timbers of my ship, I clung to them and rowed with my hands. I was lucky enough that Scylla did not spy me.

I'm not entirely sure where I am right now. It took me ages to swim here. I get the feeling it might be Ogygia, but I can't be sure unless I find someone to talk to.

It is with a heavy heart that I say goodbye now, and wish once again that I had never gone to war. I'm trying to be brave for Penelope and Telemachus, but I'm really not sure when I'll be able to get home.

I hope Penelope hasn't remarried or anything.

--Odysseus

On Aeaea and in the Underworld

Damn that Circe is an interesting woman!

Yes, it has been a year since I last blogged and yes, I have been hanging out on Aeaea for most of that time. I took some time out to visit the underworld too, which I'll tell you about in a moment.

But firstly, Circe. I really like Circe. (Don't tell Penelope!)

We got off to an interesting start actually; when I sent those 12 men off to check out the island, only one came back! He told me that the rest of them had been turned into pigs!

Well I wasn't having any of that. Hermes dropped by to have a chat, and when I asked him about it he just gave me a herb that made me magic-proof. It's funny, when her magic didn't worked on me she just kind of surrendered - apparently there was some kind of prophecy that said she'd become someone's mistress of something.

She turned my men back into men, which was really nice of her.

And then we kind of had a bit of a fling. Lived together all year. I still miss Penelope but it's nice to have a distraction.

Anyway, after a year or so she sent me off to visit the underworld, because I needed to speak to Teiresias the seer or something. We took some sheep along to sacrifice and prayed and whatnot. And then the souls of the dead and gone came flocking upwards. It was so scary - pale terror began to master me!

I spoke to Agamemnon. Apparently his wife killed him! How awful is that?

We had a bit of a rant about how bad the war was, too. I was all like, "how many of us have been killed for Helen's sake?"

Also he told me that I never need to fear murder by my wife. Which is good.

I also saw Minos, Orion, Tityus, Tantalus and Sisyphus. As well as them I bumped into a bunch of heroes, like Herakles (his mortal half, anyway), Achilleus and even Ajax, although he wouldn't speak to me.

We're back on Aeaea with Circe now. She really wants me to stay with her, but I never wanted to leave Penelope and Telemachus and now I just want to get back to them.

Still, Circe's been kind enough to let us know some vital instructions for getting home. Apparently we're going to go past some Sirens or something, and some kind of monster (or was it a whirlpool?) anyway, I'm sure it'll all work out for the best.

Hopefully it won't take too long to get home now!!

--Odysseus

Aeolia and Telepylus

It's a relief to be away from the Cyclopes, that's for sure, but we haven't exactly been having a good time.

A week after leaving Sicily we landed in Aeolia. It's a great place!! I think I really bonded with Aeolus, the Keeper of the Winds. We had a great chat and he gave me a bag full of wind!

Which would have been fine, except that after we left I made the mistake of going down to take a nap, and the crew opened up the bag that the winds were in. All the winds escaped and blew us all the way back to Aeolia!

I thought it was kind of a good thing. I got another chance to catch up with Aeolus' daughter, Polymela. Nice girl - if you know what I mean (good thing Penelope doesn't read this blog!) I think she got in a bit of trouble with her dad actually... oh well, I'm sure he'll still let her marry her brother like she was meant to.

Anyway, Aeolus was kind of angry at me - for losing the winds, and also about his daughter - so we hurried on our way.

We ended up in the Laestrygonian city of Telepylus.

It was full of giants who ate pretty much all of us. My ship was the only one that made it through.

This journey home is a) taking too long and b) not fun at all. Even that stupid war was better than this!

Anyway, we're on Aeaea now, which will hopefully be uneventful. I'm just sending twelve or so men to investigate the island...

--Odysseus

I Hate The Cyclopes

We landed in Sicily. I'm starting to get annoyed at just how off-course we're getting. I know I'm saying on my other blog that we'll be able to get home to everyone soon, but honestly it's starting to worry me. I'm wondering when I really will see Penelope and Telemachus again.

The reason I'm worried isn't just because we're in Sicily - or about to leave it really - at the moment. It's because of what happened Sicily.

We reached the country of the lawless outrageous Cyclopes. In some ways they kind of amaze me because they neither plow with their hands, nor plant anything. They just trust in the gods. They have no institutions or anything. It's... well, it's uncivilised really, isn't it? I was a bit shocked when I found out.

We met a Cyclopes called Polyphemos. I wish we hadn't.

It started out so innocently! We discovered his cave and decided that it would be a good idea to stay there, so as to meet the inhabitant and to exchange gifts. But when Polyphemos arrived home that evening with his herd of sheep he rolled a large boulder across the door of the cave so that we could not escape!

When he discovered our presence, he immediately devoured two of my men! I was shocked and outraged and deeply saddened by the loss. We knew instantly that soon he would devour us all, and so we devised a plan.

It began when Polyphemos asked my name. I told him "Outis" or "Nobody". The Cyclopes was not an intelligent being! He accepted the name I gave without question, and swore that he would eat me last.

The next day we worked to sharpen a great bludgeon of green olive wood until it had a point. I would guess it was about the size for the mast of a cargo-carrying broad black ship of twenty oars which crosses the open sea.

He ate two more men when he returned home once more, but now we had a cunning plan.

We fed the Cyclopes with wine! And he, an uncivilised beast!, drank it all and was drunk and went sleepily off to bed.

I shoved the beam underneath a deep bed of cinders, waiting for it to heat. When finally it was hot almost to the point of catching fire, some great divinity breathed courage into us! We drove it into his eye and twirled it around and around, and the sound it made was not unlike that of a blacksmith plunging an ax blade or plane into cold water.

Polyphemos screamed and screamed, and all the other Cyclopes gathered near to find out what was wrong. But luckily we had outsmarted him by giving me name as Outis, and he screamed to the other Cyclopes "Nobody is killing me!"

The next morning we tied ourselves to Polyphemos' sheep, and we were able to escape back to our ship.

Unfortunately I may have made another little mistake at that point - I was just so incapable of suppressing my rage at the loss of my men (Penelope would be furious that I hadn't kept my temper!) I yelled out my true identity, and I am sure that Polyphemos will pray to his father Poseidon for vengeance.

Oh well, at least we're on our way again, hopefully heading home to Ithica.

--Odysseus